Sometimes You Get What You Need.

For a long time now I've been going through hell to regain my solitude. And now I have it. With everything it took to get here, it should be something happy, but its made me even sadder. It took a lot for me to ask my wife to leave. I did not take it lightly, and yet despite everything I still love her. It's once they're gone, once you've done what you knew had to be done, that you can stop, let down the walls, and allow yourself to feel. Three months I've been keeping the walls up so her emotional barrages wouldn't force me to take the easy way out and get back together. Finally she's gone, and I can be sad to see her go, and miss her, even after wishing for her to be gone. Its a strange sort of thing to wish for two opposite things with such force. It's been five years since I've been alone; I used to be good alone, happy, but now it will take getting used to again. I haven't the slightest doubt that it was the right thing. But I miss her.

A New Road

Its been forever since I've written here. Honestly, I think I felt that while married, with my wife reading my blog, and being most of what my life involved, I couldn't really share things honestly, other than saying wonderful things about her (which I did occasionally, but writing for me is more commonly a vent for frustrations and discontent than a means for cheerleading). We're separated now, with differing opinions on whether that will become permanent. Maybe its not surprising considering my philosophy on other subjects that this new turn in my life feels like an adventure. I've always embraced the unknown, maybe just a general optimism that a bend in the road can always hide something awesome beyond it. I was certainly unhappy with the status quo before, so regardless of whether G and I get back together, I think that is past. Right now I just want to undertake everything. Learn to snowboard, do a lot more kayaking this summer, and explore more of the cities in driving distance from home. And definitely more road trips. Road trips rock. Most importantly though, I'm hoping to make my friends a much larger part of my life now. That loss was what bothered me the most about marriage, and I dont think I'll get married ever again unless I'm confident it wont happen again. My friends are just way too great a part of me to ever let go. I'm excited for the future again.