Random Musings

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Location: Las Vegas, Nevada, United States

Wednesday, October 15, 2014


Lately I feel like I've been shedding friends like hot clothes in the summertime. Its a painful process, but I think its likely a good one. As much as it sucks to lose someone who was important to you, if they're actually a good friend, then you don't lose them. I think its good though, for me. I feel like it means I'm happy and secure enough in the relationships I have now, that I dont have any need for half-ass friendships. Either that or I've just turned into a huge asshole. Its all in the perspective.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

The Third Wish

“One more wish to go . . .”
That was how I ended my post in April 2007, describing the end of my relationship with Anne-Marie. Twice, I had found myself wishing for a true love, envisioning the perfect girl, wishing to find her, only to actually find her soon after. To quote myself again:
“ Twice now in my life, I have met a girl who was the exact incarnation of what I wished for. You know when you sit there thinking of, if you were able to snag God’s sneakers and wear them for ten minutes, the girl you would create to be the absolute most perfect girl for yourself? Well it has happened twice now. No, I’m not just saying that I was in love, I mean really, exactly, down to the smallest detail. To a degree chance just doesn’t account for. The first one was Jules.”
The first time I simply thought of it as destiny. I think that's why I held on to it so much longer than any logic could justify; I really believed that giving up on her was giving up on my destiny. The second was Anne-Marie, and with the second one I started to see the pattern – twice now I had created an image in my mind, and immediately after seen it take human shape. With Jules, I think I'd been listening to too much Eagles music, as my thought of her personality came from their lyrics - “I was looking for the daughter of the devil himself, I was looking for an angel in white. I was looking for a woman who's a little of both . . .” I was convinced only such a woman as that could hold my attention for life. Physically I was a bit less creative, imagining the physics-defying barbie-doll body with blonde hair and ripped abs; and that was Jules. Exactly as she'd been in my head. And she destroyed me.
With Anne-Marie, I'd evolved a bit, and wasn't really as concerned with the physical. I knew that it was important, that I couldn't spend my life with someone I did not feel attracted to, but I knew being able to get along well was the most important thing, so I wished for a girl who was a tomboy, like one of the guys, except hot. Someone intelligent, active, fun, like a best friend that you want to fuck. And there was Anne-Marie. To the T. Literally even the face and voice I'd put to my imaginings. And yet we fell apart and she broke my heart.
And so I knew that I had one last wish to go, and I'd best use it wisely. No, I did not consider every girl I fell in love with to be one of these wishes. I married Ginny, yet I never considered her a wish. She was awesome in many ways (and not awesome in many others), yet she was never the exact image from my head like the first two. When getting married I let the wish-idea go as a metaphor. And while my marriage degraded, I thought about all the ways that I felt a relationship should go, all the ways so different from what I was living.
When I left my marriage, I knew what I was giving up. I was 40, and not rich. And starting from scratch. I knew that the chances were against me finding true love in the few good-looking years I had left, if I hadn't managed to find it if the first 40 years. The only thing I had in my favor was what I had learned on my road thus far. Then one month after my wife finally agreed to move away from the state (several months after separation), I found my third wish. I felt a recognition of her at first sight, and yet this time I did not know why I recognized her. This time I had not imagined a face, or body; so I couldn't put my finger on why seeing her brought such a reaction. It was love, immediately. Like nothing I had ever felt. It was clear to me that this was the third wish. And this time I knew I had it right. But the thought nagged me, what make me so certain? What was different this time from the other times? Today I realized what I'd done differently. What I had imagined this time was the relationship rather than the woman. What I'd wished for was the way we interact, the way she treats me, how she thinks, and how she loves, and how I'd feel about her. I had always described real love as being more akin to finding a puzzle piece that is a perfect fit, and yet I had tried to wish for true love without making reference to who she was to fit. By having the perfect interaction, respect, love and attraction between us, the blanks were filled in with what would inspire those feelings. And this time its perfect. I'd bet my life on it. I have.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

How I Found God in True Love.

I largely stay away from religion in what I share publicly, as I feel like religion is something very personal to each of us, and do not like the idea of pushing m own ideas on anyone else. But I've been thinking recently about love. And in trying to understand love, many ideas that were half-formed, floating around in my mind, crystallized into a coherent whole, and suddenly I find that I have an idea of what I believe is the nature of the world, God, and Love. These are not ideas that I will swear to be truth; there was no angel on high providing them in a revelation, no voice of God whispering in my ear. The ideas here are something that built in my mind, and when they arose, they had a resonance in me that rang true. So I share some of the ideas here, not to preach or demand they be accepted, but simply as something to think about.

God is a pattern, a system, a force, an intelligent guiding principle that exerts its influence over everything at a quantum level, where it can do so without disturbing the surface laws of physics. Essential to this idea is that the material world is not all there is. There is an existence outside the material world, in which the Godhead has its being, which contains nothing but the immaterial mass of the Godhead. All life is fueled from that mass. It is what provides the spark that creates life from mere minerals. Simple exposure to it can provide life at the cellular level, but sentience requires more. Sentience requires a soul, for which a small mass is pulled from the whole, like a cup of water taken from the ocean, pulled with the origination of each new sentient life. Through this process, the Godhead gains the only thing that it lacks: perspective. The perspective of seeing the world, of every situation from millions of different perspectives, millions of different lives, biases, idiosyncrasies and minds. And when a soul returns, it rejoins that mass, like rainwater returning to the ocean. That mass of soulhood is the greatest feeling of connection, of returning to the whole, of something a million times greater than the individual, and yet, though it is heaven, it is also completely static and incapable of development without sending its parts, or children into the material world to live. In the world, most entering immediately suffer pain upon entering, and continuously find hurt thereafter, feelings unknown in the Godhead, and so they seek to insulate themselves from the pain that the world offers, and yet by doing so, they are also insulating and distancing themselves from the souls around them, and by so doing, protecting themselves from love and deeper happiness as much as they are protected from pain. Though they are not born with the knowledge, some discover later that they can find a happiness that reaches the soul level by finding ways to peel back the insulation they have built, to allow other souls to press close, creating a symbiotic synchronicity of souls, a miniature event of the return to heaven, except occurring in a world in which it can be felt far more deeply. This is Love. Love can be strengthened or weakened by the interaction between the two persons; if distrust or hurt occurs between them, they will build more insulation between them, thus reducing its strength. The growth together can build over time, so that if they can keep its purity (absence of hurt, fear distrust that will push one or both to pull back), the synchronicity will increase over time. Families often have love in the way that the bond is formed when the child has not yet built a significant shell, yet the intensity of such relationships is often marred by the hurts and disagreements that occur over time, largely from the great difference in the material age and understanding of the parent and child. Yet sometimes there is something more. The mass of the Godhead started as something homogeneous. Yet once it began to separate itself into parts that lived different experiences and lives, a heterogeneity developed. And so some souls that entered the world developed further than others, and some few of those built and understanding and identity of their soul, as something more than their body, to the degree that when they returned to the Godhead, they still retained a sense of self, and thus held together within the mass, like a chunk of ice in an ocean, until returned to the world, and returned whole, instead of mixed in with the rest of the Godhead like the rest, so that its depth and understanding of itself could become even further defined, and even more likely to retain itself the next time. But sometimes such a one would be split when returned to the world, and in living, would heal to become a full and individual soul. But sometimes such a soul can find a person bearing the other half of their essence, and when love occurs between these, it is something greater, something new, because the love of all others is something originating from the Godhead itself, but this love is something that did not exist before, could only exist in the symbiosis of the Godhead and the physical world, something greater than was possible before. When it returns to the godhead, it brings both an individuality, and an ecstasy that were previously unknown. It changes the very nature of the Godhead, so that the Godhead’s creation is now re-creating the Godhead. Is this phenomena something that can continue and spread, or is it limited to just some small parts of the Godhead? If it can spread to the entirety, then the Godhead will be transformed into something new, something more. Somehow it will become something more than the everything that it was before.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Sometimes You Get What You Need.

For a long time now I've been going through hell to regain my solitude. And now I have it. With everything it took to get here, it should be something happy, but its made me even sadder. It took a lot for me to ask my wife to leave. I did not take it lightly, and yet despite everything I still love her. It's once they're gone, once you've done what you knew had to be done, that you can stop, let down the walls, and allow yourself to feel. Three months I've been keeping the walls up so her emotional barrages wouldn't force me to take the easy way out and get back together. Finally she's gone, and I can be sad to see her go, and miss her, even after wishing for her to be gone. Its a strange sort of thing to wish for two opposite things with such force. It's been five years since I've been alone; I used to be good alone, happy, but now it will take getting used to again. I haven't the slightest doubt that it was the right thing. But I miss her.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A New Road

Its been forever since I've written here. Honestly, I think I felt that while married, with my wife reading my blog, and being most of what my life involved, I couldn't really share things honestly, other than saying wonderful things about her (which I did occasionally, but writing for me is more commonly a vent for frustrations and discontent than a means for cheerleading). We're separated now, with differing opinions on whether that will become permanent. Maybe its not surprising considering my philosophy on other subjects that this new turn in my life feels like an adventure. I've always embraced the unknown, maybe just a general optimism that a bend in the road can always hide something awesome beyond it. I was certainly unhappy with the status quo before, so regardless of whether G and I get back together, I think that is past. Right now I just want to undertake everything. Learn to snowboard, do a lot more kayaking this summer, and explore more of the cities in driving distance from home. And definitely more road trips. Road trips rock. Most importantly though, I'm hoping to make my friends a much larger part of my life now. That loss was what bothered me the most about marriage, and I dont think I'll get married ever again unless I'm confident it wont happen again. My friends are just way too great a part of me to ever let go. I'm excited for the future again.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A New Direction

After spending the last eight months building up my previous firm's litigation and mediation practice from scratch, I'd been laid off, and the department cut. It was distressing, as I was about a month away from buying my first home, and just before Christmas is never the best time to lost your job, but I'm hoping this will be more opportunity than setback. I've decided to forgo looking for new work and instead to open my own practice. So as of January 1, 2010, I have begun my own law practice. Initially I'll be focusing on foreclosure mediations, but will be advising clients on all solutions to mortgage issues, and will hopefully be expanding to include full litigation within a year or so.
I'm excited about it, though its a risk. But then I'm all about trying something new.
Wish me luck.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Cats Shouldn't Die

Holden died today. Holden was my ex-fiancee’s cat. He never belonged to me, but I still loved him. He had as much life as a cat could want, he lived 19 years, he traveled the entire United States, and had adventures untold. After I broke my engagement to Jules, I think it was him that I missed the most. He loved to sit on a table or counter, wait until I bent over to pick something up, and then jump onto my back so he could sleep draped over my shoulders like a stole, and he would lay there happily purring for hours while I walked around. He loved Mozart, and would rub against the speakers endlessly anytime you played "Fur Elise". Anytime you’d give him a french fry, he would growl at it from a distance for a while, then viciously pounce on it, pick it up between his paws, and then throw it around so he could pounce on it again, and not until the french fry was properly subdued would he eat it. He was also my Buena’s first boyfriend, and the only other cat she ever loved. She met him when she was a kitten and would come to his house to steal his toys.

After a long time thinking I finally thought of something that gave me a smile. The way that cats seem to love life the most when they are sleeping next to someone they love makes me hope that death holds no fear for them as long as their sleep lets their spirit remain close to the one they love.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009


I know he's terribly overquoted by poseurs, but Kerouac just rocks. He just has a way of capturing a feeling no no words should ever be able to. Some of his words capture how I feel now.

“no girl had ever moved me with a story of spiritual suffering and so beautifully her soul showing out radiant as an angel wandering in hell and the hell the selfsame streets I’d roamed in watching, watching for someone just like her and never dreaming the darkness and the mystery and eventuality of our meeting in eternity,”

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Crossroads, revisited

Okay, now I'm tired of the view of the open crossroads. Give me a path. Any path. Seriously.

Friday, September 12, 2008


I am now again between jobs, not completely certain where life will take me, and I'm slowly developing the suspicion that this is my natural state. This liminal phase where I always come back to zero, to start from scratch in a different direction is becoming very familiar. I suppose I should clarify that I'm speaking of this in terms of work and profession, not personal life.
I'm now 35, and I don't think I've ever held a job for even two years. Thats not really good if you think about it. There has been a good reason for ending each one, so I've never really been concerned about it, but I am getting older. Should I be concerned?

Thinking about it, I guess it all boils down to the fact that, other than teaching, I haven't found a job I like. Teaching I liked, but couldn't pay my bills with. I did like working as an attorney, but after a few months, a personal issue arose between me and one of the partners, and once you have to tap dance on eggshells, all the enjoyment just gets sucked out of what would have been a good job.

This time its just that the election is coming up and my position was temporary, so I was offered the choice of taking on another role, for which I was horribly unsuited, or leaving the campaign, so I chose to leave. I'm not going to take a paycheck for something I'm not qualified to do.

And so now I'm back where I started, and ready to go in an entirely new direction. I actually have a very specific thing that I'm trying for right now, but I don't want to jinx it. So I won't tell you what it is until there's more to tell.

But I suppose the point is that despite being broke, with nothing to show for the years of work, aand not knowing how I'm paying rent next month, I like this. I like that I'm doing so many things, that I feel like I'm living a life for each path I travel, I like that my future is not set in stone, that it can still turn out to be anything. And I like the view of the open crossroads ahead.
I fear I'll never get tired of seeing it.