The Third Wish
“One more wish to go . . .”
That was how I ended my post in April 2007, describing the end of my relationship with Anne-Marie. Twice, I had found myself wishing for a true love, envisioning the perfect girl, wishing to find her, only to actually find her soon after. To quote myself again:
“ Twice now in my life, I have met a girl who was the exact incarnation of what I wished for. You know when you sit there thinking of, if you were able to snag God’s sneakers and wear them for ten minutes, the girl you would create to be the absolute most perfect girl for yourself? Well it has happened twice now. No, I’m not just saying that I was in love, I mean really, exactly, down to the smallest detail. To a degree chance just doesn’t account for. The first one was Jules.”
The first time I simply thought of it as destiny. I think that's why I held on to it so much longer than any logic could justify; I really believed that giving up on her was giving up on my destiny. The second was Anne-Marie, and with the second one I started to see the pattern – twice now I had created an image in my mind, and immediately after seen it take human shape. With Jules, I think I'd been listening to too much Eagles music, as my thought of her personality came from their lyrics - “I was looking for the daughter of the devil himself, I was looking for an angel in white. I was looking for a woman who's a little of both . . .” I was convinced only such a woman as that could hold my attention for life. Physically I was a bit less creative, imagining the physics-defying barbie-doll body with blonde hair and ripped abs; and that was Jules. Exactly as she'd been in my head. And she destroyed me.
With Anne-Marie, I'd evolved a bit, and wasn't really as concerned with the physical. I knew that it was important, that I couldn't spend my life with someone I did not feel attracted to, but I knew being able to get along well was the most important thing, so I wished for a girl who was a tomboy, like one of the guys, except hot. Someone intelligent, active, fun, like a best friend that you want to fuck. And there was Anne-Marie. To the T. Literally even the face and voice I'd put to my imaginings. And yet we fell apart and she broke my heart.
And so I knew that I had one last wish to go, and I'd best use it wisely. No, I did not consider every girl I fell in love with to be one of these wishes. I married Ginny, yet I never considered her a wish. She was awesome in many ways (and not awesome in many others), yet she was never the exact image from my head like the first two. When getting married I let the wish-idea go as a metaphor. And while my marriage degraded, I thought about all the ways that I felt a relationship should go, all the ways so different from what I was living.
When I left my marriage, I knew what I was giving up. I was 40, and not rich. And starting from scratch. I knew that the chances were against me finding true love in the few good-looking years I had left, if I hadn't managed to find it if the first 40 years. The only thing I had in my favor was what I had learned on my road thus far. Then one month after my wife finally agreed to move away from the state (several months after separation), I found my third wish. I felt a recognition of her at first sight, and yet this time I did not know why I recognized her. This time I had not imagined a face, or body; so I couldn't put my finger on why seeing her brought such a reaction. It was love, immediately. Like nothing I had ever felt. It was clear to me that this was the third wish. And this time I knew I had it right. But the thought nagged me, what make me so certain? What was different this time from the other times? Today I realized what I'd done differently. What I had imagined this time was the relationship rather than the woman. What I'd wished for was the way we interact, the way she treats me, how she thinks, and how she loves, and how I'd feel about her. I had always described real love as being more akin to finding a puzzle piece that is a perfect fit, and yet I had tried to wish for true love without making reference to who she was to fit. By having the perfect interaction, respect, love and attraction between us, the blanks were filled in with what would inspire those feelings. And this time its perfect. I'd bet my life on it. I have.
That was how I ended my post in April 2007, describing the end of my relationship with Anne-Marie. Twice, I had found myself wishing for a true love, envisioning the perfect girl, wishing to find her, only to actually find her soon after. To quote myself again:
“ Twice now in my life, I have met a girl who was the exact incarnation of what I wished for. You know when you sit there thinking of, if you were able to snag God’s sneakers and wear them for ten minutes, the girl you would create to be the absolute most perfect girl for yourself? Well it has happened twice now. No, I’m not just saying that I was in love, I mean really, exactly, down to the smallest detail. To a degree chance just doesn’t account for. The first one was Jules.”
The first time I simply thought of it as destiny. I think that's why I held on to it so much longer than any logic could justify; I really believed that giving up on her was giving up on my destiny. The second was Anne-Marie, and with the second one I started to see the pattern – twice now I had created an image in my mind, and immediately after seen it take human shape. With Jules, I think I'd been listening to too much Eagles music, as my thought of her personality came from their lyrics - “I was looking for the daughter of the devil himself, I was looking for an angel in white. I was looking for a woman who's a little of both . . .” I was convinced only such a woman as that could hold my attention for life. Physically I was a bit less creative, imagining the physics-defying barbie-doll body with blonde hair and ripped abs; and that was Jules. Exactly as she'd been in my head. And she destroyed me.
With Anne-Marie, I'd evolved a bit, and wasn't really as concerned with the physical. I knew that it was important, that I couldn't spend my life with someone I did not feel attracted to, but I knew being able to get along well was the most important thing, so I wished for a girl who was a tomboy, like one of the guys, except hot. Someone intelligent, active, fun, like a best friend that you want to fuck. And there was Anne-Marie. To the T. Literally even the face and voice I'd put to my imaginings. And yet we fell apart and she broke my heart.
And so I knew that I had one last wish to go, and I'd best use it wisely. No, I did not consider every girl I fell in love with to be one of these wishes. I married Ginny, yet I never considered her a wish. She was awesome in many ways (and not awesome in many others), yet she was never the exact image from my head like the first two. When getting married I let the wish-idea go as a metaphor. And while my marriage degraded, I thought about all the ways that I felt a relationship should go, all the ways so different from what I was living.
When I left my marriage, I knew what I was giving up. I was 40, and not rich. And starting from scratch. I knew that the chances were against me finding true love in the few good-looking years I had left, if I hadn't managed to find it if the first 40 years. The only thing I had in my favor was what I had learned on my road thus far. Then one month after my wife finally agreed to move away from the state (several months after separation), I found my third wish. I felt a recognition of her at first sight, and yet this time I did not know why I recognized her. This time I had not imagined a face, or body; so I couldn't put my finger on why seeing her brought such a reaction. It was love, immediately. Like nothing I had ever felt. It was clear to me that this was the third wish. And this time I knew I had it right. But the thought nagged me, what make me so certain? What was different this time from the other times? Today I realized what I'd done differently. What I had imagined this time was the relationship rather than the woman. What I'd wished for was the way we interact, the way she treats me, how she thinks, and how she loves, and how I'd feel about her. I had always described real love as being more akin to finding a puzzle piece that is a perfect fit, and yet I had tried to wish for true love without making reference to who she was to fit. By having the perfect interaction, respect, love and attraction between us, the blanks were filled in with what would inspire those feelings. And this time its perfect. I'd bet my life on it. I have.
posted by Psilocide | 2:24 PM
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