Burden

I generally think of myself as far more rational than most. Many issues that others just take at face value, I think about deeply, especially my own motivations. That's why it always surprises me when I act in ways for which I can offer no explanation. A couple weeks ago I went on a date, my first date with this girl. I'd been trying (though not continuously) to get a date with her since I'd met her three years previously. The date went well, and while walking to my car from the bar I looked down and saw two dollars lying there on the sidewalk. I looked around, but there was no obvious place it had come from, I decided to pick it up, since it was unlikely it would remain there untouched until the true owner returned for it, if he or she ever even realized they'd dropped it. But I could not put it in my wallet. I was finally making good money, and really didn’t need this money, so there was no reason luck should have brought it to me. I had not earned it either. I decided that it was luck to find it, but that keeping it would violate some sort of karmic rule which would invalidate, and possibly reverse the luck. So I decided I was supposed to find someone else to give it to. But who? I decided it should be someone deserving, but also someone to whom $2 would be something significant, that it could really help. That basically limited it to very poor people, or someone who was in a bad situation in which they need some money right that moment. I didn’t want to give it to just any panhandler, as many of them make a good bit of money panhandling, and don't really need it, or simply choose that way of life rather than working. The ones really incapable of working are also usually incapable of making the plans for the good stories or finding the good panhandling spots. Anyway, it was a little difficult, always keeping the $2 separate from my own money, but always keeping it with me so I could give it out if I found the person it was meant for. It got a bit more difficult when I found myself at the laundromat, and ran out of cash with another wash still to do. I almost used the $2, resolving to get some cash and give out $2 from that. But I held firm, and left my laundry while I drove out to find an ATM. So last night, while celebrating my 33rd birthday with my friends, leaving the bar I came upon a homeless man cuddling up on a park bench to go to sleep. He saw us walk by but didn’t ask for anything. Something in his look though gave me the right feeling, and I fished out the $2 and gave it to him with a nod. He took it, returning the nod, but saying nothing. So now I've relieved myself of that burden, and I feel good, because I think I chose the person who was supposed to get it. Lets hope.